I am MESSED up!

Have you ever thought that you knew a lot about something and after a few months of God dealing with you and teaching you new things, you find out that you know absolutely nothing?  I am pretty much in that place right now.  Which is a great place to be!...I think.  When I realize that I don't know anything God can use me and receive all the praise and glory and attention because I realize that I am nothing and had nothing to do with what God did.  

I have been studying worship in school and I have been finding out that i did not know 1/100th of what I thought I knew.  I mean come on...I have been pretty much leading worship full time since I was 13 so I must know something...right?  Wrong!  That saying that says "The more you learn, the more you find out how much you don't know" is very true!  I have just been learning so much that I can't go back to living in ignorance.  The more I learn the more responsibility I have.  As a worship leader, I need to constantly be learning what true worship is and how to lead the people in it.  It's not something I am one day going to say "Aha!  I completely understand now".  It is going to be a lifetime of learning and I hope that I can take what I learn and use it the best way I can.  Honestly though, the more I learn, the more scared i get.  Because I "know" that God is in control but it gets tough having faith and letting God have complete control of everything and I need to do my part but it is NOT up to me to create a move of God.  I just create the atmosphere where God CAN move and then my job is done.  From that point on it is all God's.  

Another thing that I have been dealing with is my dreams for my life.  I knew I was dealing with something but I didn't know exactly what it was until this past weekend.  I went to the Ramp in Hamilton and Damon Thompson talked about dreaming God's dream and not my own.  Don't get me wrong.  I had GOOD dreams for my life.  My dreams were God honoring and they were good things.  And I don't know...maybe God will let my dreams happen IF I dream His dream first.  I finally got to the place where I said the heck with the plans I have and want to do (I had it all planned out).  I am now praying that God would place a burning dream in my spirit...His dream for me and my generation.  There are all these things that I want to do...travel...lead worship...make cds...all that fun stuff.  But now I want to be a voice for my generation...the silent ones in my generation.  In whatever capacity God wants me to do it.  I would be content to work a normal job and lead worship and work wherever God leads me if thats what He wants me to do.  All that to say...not my will but YOURS be done...for real!!

So the moral of the story is...God messed me up and put me in a vulnerable place and I hope that as I go through this stuff...i learn a lot and I let God do what he wants to do so that I can grow!  Love love...